Man, lately, I've really had the baby itch. A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in church, and we were surrounded by infants. They were so cute and little and they all were boys. I silently cried the entire service.
Let me back up a bit. In 2008 I had a miscarriage. At the time, I didn't know I had lyme. Now that I know that Lyme can cause miscarriages, still births and birth defects, I'm pretty sure Lyme probably had something to do with my miscarriage. (I can't prove it, so it will always be a mystery) We were not trying to get pregnant, so it was a joyful surprise. And it hit me pretty hard when we lost the baby. I was almost 3 months pregnant. I had always wondered what gender the baby was, (mostly because we already had two girls and I really wanted a boy) But we got pregnant later that year, and had a precious baby girl.
After our baby girl was born, that is when my health started deteriorating from my disease. Slowly I got sicker and sicker and it turned into the worst year of my life. I was so sick that I missed most of our baby girl's first year.
It was in that year that I talked to many families who had passed this disease on to their children. Some kids were really sick, some were mildly sick. But I was seeing the same pattern....the mom was unknowingly infected, and after she gave birth, the children tested positive for it (either as a infant, toddler or school-aged child). I can give you probably 20 of my facebook friends who have this scenario...and many more on other chat or support networks. (roughly about 80 in total)
Not only was my body being tortured by Lyme, but now I had to come to terms that my children might be sick too? It made me sick to my stomach to think about. I pray for a way to get them tested some time in the future. (more on that later)
And that leads me back to my first topic. Babies. If I was not sick, I would either try to conceive again, or try to adopt. (and I would hope for a boy, I want some blue in this house :) )
But the reality is that I just can't put my baby through that risk. I personally do not want to risk having another miscarriage, or worse, a still birth. And I would not risk giving my child a disease just because I long for more children.
(*note* I realize some Lyme mothers have successfully had healthy babies while on antibiotics throughout their pregnancy, so I am not judging anyone who wants to make that choice.) You can read an amazing blog about a healthy delivery by visiting
The Lyme Pregnancy Journal. Her baby's umbilical cord tested negative for lyme. And he looks like a healthy handsome baby boy! Believe me, if I didn't have any children, I would seriously consider taking that risk.
But I've talked to many mom's who DID use antibiotics throughout their pregnancy and their children still tested positive for Lyme and co-infections. I just can't emotionally take that risk, especially since I don't know the status of my own children.
So, why don't I adopt? Well, I would in a heartbeat. But, I believe children deserve to have a balanced life with two healthy parents. If anything happened to me, disability or death, that would be too much for Jeremy to handle by himself. I would also feel guilty if I were to sick in bed to take care of our baby or children. Plus, I would have to disclose my illness to the adoption agency, and I seriously doubt they would place a child with me. Another reason is money. We need every penny to go towards all my necessary medical appointments and medications.
So, I will just have to be ok with enjoying other peoples babies (like my new nephew Carson - what a cutie with fat little cheeks!) or my best friend's soon-to-be baby!
Don't get me wrong, I am blessed to have 3 children, and I appreciate what I have. But I do allow myself to mourn what I have lost due to this disease. And I feel I have a right to. It will help me heal and move forward. Until then, though, I will shed a tear here and there.
